How REAL is too REAL?

It was brought to my attention (by a very close friend, one whom I love dearly and whose opinion I carefully consider when they express something to me....the good and the bad...)although my blog is a great outlet for me and a great practice ground for my writing etc that perhaps I am sending the wrong message and doing more damage than good...

In a real heart to heart convo with this friend, we discussed the difficulties of being a Christian and trying to live right, messing up...or having messed up rather, along the way, and getting it right etc. and the question came up, at what extent is sharing what I go through, what I've done, what I've faced, just too much? In other words how REAL is too REAL (in the Christian or spiritual sense)??

They brought up the fact that while me putting myself in a vulnerable position to be sharing these things with the world is a great help and encouragement for others who face the same challenges....what about those who are new in their faith or who are skeptical of FAITH, particularly the CHRISTIAN faith all together?? What message am I sending to them? How does it look that someone calling themselves a "youth pastor" minister or what have you, is blogging about the sin that she has committed, isn't this hypocritical? Counter productive? Does it feed into the already negative and skeptical stereotypes and ideas about so called "preachers and Christians"? Does it send the message that its okay to talk the talk and not walk the walk....that doing your dirt (whatever it may be) is justified b/c God is forgiving and loving, so its okay, i can do what i want and he will forgive me? Does it take away from my credibility and witness as a Woman of God?? If she can't even do right, how or why am i supposed to??

When I began this blog, I did consider these very valid points...and I felt that I was not sending any of those messages and that in being open and candid that I would be helping and not hurting...but now, I'm not so sure.... I greatly appreciate the dialogue between this friend and I, it was a very valid discussion and needed to be had. So, here I am at the point where I'm reconsidering how much is too much....where do I draw the line....should there be a line??

I'm really torn inside because Lord knows, I do not want to confuse anyone, I do not want to discredit Christ, my faith, myself, etc. I do not want to do any harm in any way. And if there is a chance that by me being open and honest that the effects will be negative, then by all means, I will stop, because its not about me anyway. BUT at the same time, this is my outlet, writing is how I express myself, I want and desire to be honest, to be real, to talk about and say what others won't about what I go through and what all walking this walk and being a "person of the cloth" really entails. This is my life, my real life, my journey, no, i cannot sit here and say, I have done everything right, that I haven't made some dumb choices, that I haven't been stubborn or disobedient...HOWEVER, I can most definitely say, that I am getting better every day, getting wiser everyday, becoming more obedient everyday, learning to turn away from the things that tempt me and are not pleasing to God everyday...I'm growing in His will...I am not justifying my sin or yours...It is NOT okay to live how you want and do what you want and expect God to be okay with that or to think you have a free pass because you are a Christian, most certainly not. I do NOT condone a lifestyle of sin or recklessness. But I am 100% for turning things around, no one has to continue on living they way they been living, if you were sinning as a lifestyle, make a choice, you don't have to. If you're life is full of foolishness and you are the cause or at the center of it, cut it out, the choice is yours...This is MY personal journey of how I am currently doing all of that, of me, making some changes and adjustments...some better CHOICES spiritually for the sake of myself and more importantly, those around me, those I will touch and affect, those connected to me spiritually, those looking up to me, looking at me, watching me, depending on me to guide them and encourage them, and even those waiting for me to fall and who enjoy to see me mess up....I'm making better choices in my own life even for them! It can be done....and it will as long as I have the power to choose....

I don't know...what do you all think, am I wrong, how much is too much?

Being Ourselves...

When it comes to being "ourselves" we must keep in mind that "who we are" is always evolving as we grow, learn, mature, and develop. This process doesn't stop until we hit the dirt. Of course their are a few things, qualities, traits, values, that remain constant even over time and the essence of our being I think will always be the same.

Have you ever said or heard someone else say, "well that's just me, that's just the way I am, deal with it!" I can't stand when people say that, don't use WHO you are as an excuse to be the WAY you are! Being who you are does not automatically excuse your actions, attitudes, or behaviors, and just because that's the way that you currently are does not mean you can't improve or work on certain areas! Changing your attitudes and sometimes behaviors doesn't mean you are changing who you are or that you are not being "yourself" just because you improve or work on something, we get so afraid of "not being ourselves" that we sometimes limit our own opportunities for growth, we get stuck in the comforts of our personalities, set in our ways....be it right or wrong, its "ours".

Now, I'm not saying try to be something or someone you are not, not at all, I'm not saying don't be yourself, I'm just saying don't limit yourself to what you are or only what you can see right now, because who you are today has a lot of growing to do before we become who we will be
tomorrow! (Smile)

Comfort Zones are not our friend...

This post was inspired by a recent post of a fellow blogger, although his blog was (i think) speaking to something a little different, just something he said reminded me or made me think about this topic, so not to refute his post or thoughts or anything like that, these are just my separate thoughts etc on the subject of Comfort Zones and what they mean....and I greatly appreciate his continued support and encouragement and am obviously inspired by his ideas and thoughts. I don't really know how to make links etc yet, but check out his blog at minusthebars.blogspot.com I will come back and edit this and fix it once I learn how to add the link to the specific post etc....

We all have them and have experienced them, comfort zones, a place in our life where we feel at ease, familiar, complacent, secure.... We all go through these "comfortable" phases. But its never a good idea to make a comfort zone your home or to stay in one too long. Being comfortable confines our growth...Lets face it, life is not comfortable most of the time. Nor is growth and change. In order for us to grow we must stretch and reach outside of our comfort areas, we must walk out onto the water per say, and must step out into that which is unfamiliar and unknown in order to achieve the next step, the next level, the next stage.

The womb was a great comfort zone, nice and cozy and warm, all the amenities needed...but we could not stay there, we had to grow and finally come forth and be birthed into this crazy life. Sitting in mommy and daddy's lap curled up or hand in hand with mommy or daddy as we stroll through the park...comfort zones, but then the first day of school arrives and we have to let go of mommy's hand...and walk alone. Bikes with training wheels, comfort zones, until we learn to ride on our own. There are many comfort zones through out our lives, not just early childhood, but look into your own life and you will see the many comfort or safety zones you have created for yourself....I know i do. But they are doing me no good. I cant grow or mature in these places, at the same time its not okay for me to live in fear of being without the security of these zones...i have to take some risks, take some steps out there into the unknown, and establish myself. make my presence known in this world. There is no halfway mark or safety zone or "base" if you will, in this life, we are either moving forward or we are getting knocked backwards, there is no standing still, time waits for no one. Its not like the video games where we can hit a pause or reset button and chill out for a minute go grab a juicebox and chips and come back when we are ready, we gotta live this thing every single day, all day, we gotta grow, we gotta learn, we gotta mature... and change, in some regards, is inevitable....even within us. just remember to never get too comfortable or if you are in a place where u are experiencing extreme comfort, you may want to reevaluate your situation or tell me your secret!!!

Within just about all of us is this desire for more, to do more, to have more, to be more, to achieve more...even once we've reached all of the goals we have set for ourselves, there is still that feeling, that longing, that push, that urging for MORE, it is insatiable...and that drive alone makes us uncomfortable, because as long as we have the drive we are unsatisfied....but the danger comes when we no longer have the drive, when the light starts to dim and flicker, and we become comfortable and start making excuses or justifying our comfort our putting off our daily goals and responsibilities in order to remain in this comfort just a little while longer.... I'm speaking on it because I have been there a time or two...or three....Just some things to think about, I guess...

Drowned out

Do you ever feel like your life gets drowned out by the drama in the lives of those around you? Like the things you are experiencing or going through become less significant in the shadow of the things going on with your family or friends? Do you like me, ever feel nearly embarrassed to even dare bring up your minuscule little issues to discuss because the person with whom you are talking to has such colossal situations of their own to share, it would seem like a slap in the face to bring up your seemingly small problems?

You know that saying it can always be worse, well that remains true, it can always be worse, but its not always worse...it is what it is, no matter how large or how small, you matter, I matter, our issues, our problems, our joys, or pains, no matter how seemingly insignificant compared to others all still matter. Let us not continue to compare ourselves or our lives to those of others, we are not others, we are us!! So stop drowning and swim!!! Breast stroke, back stroke, dive in to conversations, don't be drowned out by the drama of others, you matter too, speak up, be heard, what you have to say is just as important, who knows, what you share may help or bless them just as much as they help or bless you, or may shed some positive light on their gloomy drama. Just don't allow yourself to always, always, always get pushed to the back burner of the conversation. If they are truly your friends or people who care about you, they will be interested to hear what you have to say as well. Sometimes we just need to politely interject and make our presence known in the conversation. (smile)

My life matters too darn it!!!

You were born with a Backbone, so USE it!

One thing that drives me crazy are people without backbones. I cannot stand to see someone act as a coward. There is a fairly new person at work, they are very nice and all and very much the type of person I wouldn't mind being friends with or hanging out with outside of work, but this person does not stand up for themselves, doesn't speak up when she knows or thinks something is wrong, and goes along with whatever anyone tells her....that's not cool. Stand up for yourself, have some courage, some dignity. Don't follow behind someone else, especially when you know its wrong or that person does not have your best interests in mind. Don't be afraid to stand up, or speak up, its okay to have your own opinion, your own beliefs, your own style. God created you to be YOU....not her, not him, not them...but uniquely YOU! Don't ever get to the point where you are not living as yourself, or are afraid to be who you are! Take heart, have courage, be brave...people respect those with courage, no one is talking about being aggressive, that's not always the best route, but being assertive, proactive, not just letting things happen, letting people use you or walk over you, but being a person who causes change, who makes things happen, who speaks up when its appropriate....who knows when to be firm and stand their ground and who is yet humble enough to know when to back down. God gave us backbones for a reason, I suppose that reason is to stand up straight, to provide us with needed support, and to align us correctly....Just a thought

Check out my cousins blog!

So my nearest and dearest cousin just started blogging! I'm very excited because she always has something great to say and she keeps it real as well. A very sincere and down to earth woman, Who shares my zero tolerance policy for ignorance!!! (smile) So please check her out and support her! (you can click on the title of this post to go directly to her blog, or copy and paste the address below, or look to the right under my blogs section to find her)

Ladylove080208.blogspot.com

Gospel Karaoke Night...

So I told you all previously how I was in and out of consciousness... I could have sworn I heard my Muslim mom and her friend doing Gospel Karaoke in the office, which is right down the hall from my room.... Microphones and all, but i figured its the drugs talking, and went back to sleep.... Later only to find out that indeed my Muslim mom was in fact doing gospel karaoke and not only that went to church this Sunday! That's great.... (smile) and no I do not preach to her, I do not push my beliefs on her, or anything, I just live....and I pray. Witnessing to someone is not always us standing in front of Walmart with pamphlets, its your life... your life should tell the story, not always your mouth! I'll keep you posted on any new developments...

Pushing Past the Pain...

So, over the last week or so I have been in tremendous pain, thinking I had an abscess, I went to the dentist to see what could be done. The dentist informs me that its probably an impacted wisdom tooth...one tooth causing all of this pain, and suggests before doing anything else I get it removed. This was Thursday evening, Friday was a very busy day at work so I didn't get any time to call to make the appointment, meanwhile, the pain is becoming increasingly worse....I can no longer sleep, I have tried Ibuprofen 800mg, and Oxycodone, neither of which work for the pain, but they do a great job of disorienting me and cause me to fall asleep while driving to work... that and the lack of sleep...anyway, I continue to push past the pain, because I am in the middle of training a new employee at work and proving something to myself....



By Sunday I was in the worst pain one could imagine yet I have not called out sick or anything, I sucked it up and did what I had to do, come Monday morning, I literally passed out twice, was vomiting, had a fever and chills and was crying uncontrollable, oh don't let me forget the head spinning, (no no exorcist style, i mean i was very dizzy). I woke up once on the bathroom floor and a second time in the hallway floor...and instead of helping me my mother (God bless her gentle soul...) comes out yelling at me, "What are you doing down there?!?! Get up!! Why didn't you just go lay down in your room?" Umm...probably because i never made it to my room, thanks mom... I'm fine by the way, you probably saved my life with all the yelling and all, I may have never woke up from my comma...so thanks!



I called made an emergency appt and had all my wisdom teeth removed that very day, I am feeling a lot better, a little soreness on the right side but this is nothing compared to how I was feeling before the surgery!



Anyway, I am kind of proud of myself, when in severe pain (whether physical or spiritual or emotional) we find out what we are really made of, or should I say what we are really made of is put to the test... I have a very low tolerance for pain, I will call out of work for a headache don't play with me! But this time I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, that I could push past what I was facing and make it... And I did just that, I pushed past the pain and the sleepless nights and I kept going, I kept showing up, I kept doing my job, I kept a smile on my face. And in the process I discovered a strength in myself that I knew was possible, but wasn't quite sure was there because I never put it into practice....or at least I hadn't in a long time.... and although I was suffering all that time, it feels great in the end. I feel like its just another thing that was added to my character. If that makes any sense. Oh well if it doesn't, it makes perfect sense to me!

Sobriety checkpoint....

I need to get my pheromones under control if I'm going to master this flesh of mine...

Okay, so if you've read my previous post about being "Clean and Sober" then you know by now that I have graduated to my 7th month on my journey to Sobriety (I am not an alcoholic, I don't even drink at all and no I have never experimented with drugs).....My journey to sobriety is just all about me cleaning up my life and my act, getting and keeping my mind right, growing spiritually etc....

With that having been said.....

Okay, somebody please tell me, do I have a sticker on my forehead or back indicating my self induced plight... or can men just somehow "sense" it?!?! By no means am I walking around advertising ANYTHING. I always try to carry myself well, with confidence, dignity, and respect etc as any young woman SHOULD. However, it seems as though as the days, weeks, and months go on, I have been getting the most unusual types of attention and propositions....yes folks, propositions...we have some bold Americans....and Africans out here...

Not unusual in the sense that I don't get attention, of course I get attention, I'm a fairly attractive (being modest) young woman with my head on straight, no drama, no baggage etc... but the attention as of late (past 7months) has been seemingly a lot more "sexual" in nature....If that ain't the devil I don't know what is?! I'm tryna do right y'all but the tests and temptations keep coming from every angle.

But back to my original pondering...can they sense it?? Is it my bodies fault?? Am I unknowingly sending out double doses of pheromones??? Bloodhounds I tell you!

All jokes aside, its tough, not that tough, I mean I have never been out there like that to begin with, and don't consider it a favorite past time to participate in a lot of "extracurricular activities". But I am coming out of a nearly 5 year relationship, so take from that what you will.

Hey I just read that strippers who are ovulating make more money, it was in an article published by Science Magazine. So see, there must be some truth to my theory afterall?? I dunno, what do you think? (I will try to find the article and post it or its whereabouts) LOL

Strippers make more money when ovulating article

Sorry, I know this may be a bit much for those who think I am a Super-Christian...but I told you all in the disclaimer..parts 1 and 2 (see older posts) that if I'm going to do this blogging thing or anytime i write, I have to be real, I have to express whats in my heart, because, that's just how I am, I'm taking a risk by putting my life....my real life out here like this, but I'm taking it because I think its important. Its important for people to see and know that I am a real person too, I haven't been saved all my life, I wasn't born a youth pastor, and although I am both now, this is still me growing... we grow up into who we are meant to be, we are not born automatically fitting the mold of our destiny. We have to be stretched, shaped, remolded, cut, etc until we transform into the completed project.... I will always be clay in HIS hands....

We make the mistake a lot of times on both ends by firstly acting as though we have "arrived" or are too righteous to be real. And on the other end by placing people on pedestals or judging them based on a title or position they hold, overlooking the fact that they are people too or tryna play them like they've can't relate to you because of where they are now, but we all have a starting point. And we are all growing. We all mess up... some make bigger messes than others....but u get me.

I don't use my humanity as an excuse, I make choices, just like everyone else, some bad and others good. I don't make excuses for myself at all and I accept responsibility for myself. And I'm always striving to be better and make better choices and be an example and a light.

So, I apologize if you are offended or think I'm in any way a hypocrite etc. but I make no apologies to man for growing in my salvation and spiritual walk and bumping my head along the way. If i never messed up how would i be effective in ministry? If i can't relate to or provide hope for those that are still messing up?

Note to self...

I was just sitting here thinking about all the times in the past (in school, relationships, friendships, money issues, family issues etc..) where at the time it seemed as if there was no way out, no solution, no end in sight, the feeling of doom and despair in those particular situations, not knowing how I was gonna go on....

I'm smiling now y'all, the Lord reminded me of those times and instances for a reason. Reminding me that the storms in fact do pass. Don't trip or get discouraged J....

Just a lil note to myself....(smile)

So sue me, I like Gym Class Heroes too...

I probably shouldn't, but hey, I'm kinda feeling this artist right now...lol

The tape speaks for itself...

The anatomy of a crackhead...

With the crackhead invasion on the rise....at least in my life. It has me wondering, what makes a crackhead? I mean we all know that addicts keep going back because....well because they are addicted, they cannot help it or control it, addiction is a sickness and a disease, I get that. But I'm wondering what is the mindset of the person before they take that first hit, or first sip, or tie that band off around their arm for the first time? What is the state of their life or mind, what has happened to lead them to this pivotal moment that will ultimately change the course of their lives?

Knowing all that you and I know about drugs and addiction and the consequences of such, what if anything would or could push you to that point where you are standing at the edge of the cliff of your life.......and decide to jump off?

A crackhead stole my Nikes and my mattress

The world is truly coming to an end. What kind of world is it that we live in when a hard working young woman, who has long since been out of the 'hood, can get her AF-1's and her mattress stolen from her own house??!!

Let me explain...well somewhat, the details are still somewhat fuzzy to me as well....

Yes, my sneakers were stolen from my home....mind you I have somewhat of a shoe fetish, all kinds of shoes, I just love shoes...and I have lots of shoes, but of all the shoes I own only my BEST and FAVORITE pairs went missing! (I'm taking this as a personal attack!) A couple of months prior to the missing shoes, my mattress was "given" away, because someone in my household "could have sworn I said I no longer wanted it?!" After a little investigating, it was uncovered by yours truly, that apparently a member of my household had some 'not so upstanding' friends who unbeknownst to him were criminals i guess and they took certain "liberties" in our home and with our property to include household vehicles..... So that's crack incident number one...

Then today I find out that a close relative of mine is a crackhead (literally) and has basically smoked/shot up everything that he owned....houses, vehicles, job, and most importantly his family. All lost.... Another family member, closely related to this one, is on the verge of doing some hard time for drug related charges....I'm talking scales, baggies, the whole nine....oh wait, did I mention this second family member is only a teenager???!!

Needless to say, I have a lot going on in my life right now...I keep those that I love that are having difficulties in prayer and I am grateful for my life and everything that the Lord continues to bless me with...including my right mind...

Have you ever been stalked?

Okay.....so when can it actually be considered stalking?? Have you ever been stalked? I don't think I have ever "seriously" been stalked although I have run into a few incidents where an individual was somewhat obsessed with me...and would not take no for an answer in their attempts to pursue me.... not a fun feeling, albeit flattering at first, its not funny after a while.

What do you do when a person starts exhibiting unusual behaviors all of a sudden? At what point does the red flag go up and you leave? Do you stay and try to figure out what's going on or just shrug it off as some sort of passing phase? I don't know the answers, but I do watch a lot of tv and crime shows....have you ever seen that show SNAPPED! Where a cute little couple from middle of nowhere suburbia are living their lives doing just fine until one partner starts acting up and before you know it BAM they don' SNAPPED and went off and killed the other on some wild obsessive tip....

Maybe I watch too much tv?